i don't even want to know the last date i posted because it's probably been an insanely long amount of time and then i'll feel even more guilty about my absence from lj and the internet in general. my excuse? work. i don't even have a glamourous excuse. alas, that sentence is so telling of my entire life.

to all my friends: i'm sorry i haven't been reading or commenting...i feel like i've missed so much and i'm sorry. i'll try to catch up. love you all.

i am so uncertain of everything in my life right now. college scares the...you-know-what out of me. i don't want the stress of it, and the dorm, and the...cafeteria food. i don't want to leave my extremely cozy bed for a bunk. i'm just having withdrawals, i guess.

and everything else in my life is just one giant unknown. i've always known i didn't have a particularly healthy self-esteem, but when you start to feel like you will never be good enough for anything or anybody, and that you will always be passed over for something better...it just makes the future that much harder to think about. i hope i'm just being silly and emo and not predicting my life pattern from this point forward. but i have this really big fear that it's not so much of a possibility or prediction, but that it's a true statement...that maybe i'm actually the person that can never fulfill someone elses' idea of what they want.

i hate to be all trendy and cool-like...

but this journal is mostly friends now.

HOWEVER.

i always like to make new friends. :)

i just woke up about 20 minutes ago. i have a headache. i hate waking up with headaches, that's the worst thing ever.

and..i do not understand the appeal of the fourth of july. i mean, it's a good excuse to eat and set off fireworks..but if you don't get out of school or work because of it, then..what's the point?

i'm not trying to overly pessimistic, i just woke up, that's why i'm speaking like the unpatriotic canadian that i am.

my entire body hurts. exercise is evil. i am so not the exercising type. i mean, i like to be active...but being active is different than running on a treadmill. that is mindless stupidity. why do i care about burning calories? calories are my friends. all 1,400 of them, or however many i'm supposed to consume in a day. i don't even know. my sister and i had a "how-many-situps-can-you-do-in-a-minute" competition last night. i won, naturally, since i am the exercise queen...COUGH. but i still won...and paid a price for my satisfaction. any stomach movement that exceeds moving an inch to the left or right causes me extreme pain. stupid jera. making me do situps.

aside from that lovely rant of self-pity, i also practiced the flute for an hour and a half  and the piano for another hour (!?!?). i have played the chaminade concerto so many times in the past week, if i hear it one more time, i will (and this is the truth) throw myself off the roof. i see the music and get nauseated. not really the fact that it's difficult, but more of the fact that i'm just sick of the song. nothing excites me more than dozens of 32nd notes. ooh, i'm feeling a tingle just thinking about it.

okay, i'm definitely throwing myself off the roof now.

matt has decided that the name "jackie" does not suit me and is not...as he puts it, "uber hip".

therefore, my new name is...

JACKIE DAGGER.

*cue action music*

but i like tony's nickname for me better. ;)

i watched reruns of dr. quinn on some random channel on our satellite today. it made me so frustrated. no man is like sully. he is the only long-haired attractive person on earth. i realize he is only about 20 years older than me...but this is coming from the girl who has a thing for james bond. don't spread that around, you all. no wait. heath ledger looked good with long hair, too. so. heath ledger and sully. good long-haired men.

i can smell the soup cooking and it's making my stomach growl. oh, how hungry i am! i need the food. i've had probably 300 cumulative calories i've consumed today...which isn't healthy, but i'm too lazy to eat, as bad as that sounds. maybe that's what happened to mary-kate. these poor multi-millionare twins who struggle to be thin. umm, if it were me, i'd be too busy spending money to eat...so maybe that was her problem. honestly, i care more than i sound like...it must be hard with all the pressure to be thin and everything, but it just seems kind of...ridiculous to me. i know everyone has problems, but when you are that successful...i don't know. people just don't realize how well they have it sometimes.

i'm starting to ramble, so this is the point at which i stop typing.

no, i won't pee my pants. but i still am very excited.

the following websites are quite possibly the BEST WEBSITES EVER.

best website #1.
best website #2.
best website #3.

i am buying everything. nothing like kimchi noodles on a hot summer day. *wink, wink*

ooh, good day. at this point, i have only been awake for...about five hours and already i have gone to a movie with lisa, eaten a bowl of mini-wheats, and showered to make myself presentable. impressive, i know. i'm a master at these kinds of things. i showered and got dressed in a remarkable 20 minutes to meet lisa to go to the movie. we saw 'dodgeball' after much deliberation, since we didn't want to wait around to see another movie. i had low expectations, but it was actually funny...despite the fact that it brought up painful childhood memories.

one in particular comes to mind: i'm wearing glasses at this time, in the second grade? i think it was second grade. they said i only needed glasses for reading. so, we're at recess, playing dodgeball, and i am without my spectacles, when suddenly, out of the middle of NO WHERE (i swear) one of the strongest second-graders (a boy, of course) slams a ball into the side of my head. i was nearly unconscious, and was lying there and i had a big bruise on my face for days and swore to everyone i hadn't seen the ball to duck. therefore, i was now wearing glasses for reading and every other activity humanly possible. so. there's my dodgeball story. poor me. i know.

hmm. what to do now. i cleaned my room. dusted my room. made my bed. organized. alphabetized my bookshelf. arranged every yearbook i own in chronological order. straightened my shoes. gathered up my purses. plugged in my cell phone. hung my jeans in my closet by denim color.

i've run out of menial tasks. not that that's a bad thing, necessarily. now i'll have time to...clean the kitchen!

i hate my life.

j'ai mange le diner, et maintenant je suis fatigue. je ne comprends pas. je suis si stupide. je me suis reveille a 12:24 pm! savez-vous combien de sommeil qui est? je me sens coupable. mon lisa pauvre a un travail et je pas, ainsi je dors. *soupir*

je suis plein de la nourriture. je me sens comme une baleine.

brut.